The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
