Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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