there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
