On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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