i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
