sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
