If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
