Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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