Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
