She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
