1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
