I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
