Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
