So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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