There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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