you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
