She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
