True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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