Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
