So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
