I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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