so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
