Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
