you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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