I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
