and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
