on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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