You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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