Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
