Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
