im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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