i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
