I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
