weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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