Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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