Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
