Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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