tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
