Little spoons don't ask big questions
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
