Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
