i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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