I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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