come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
