don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
