I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
