so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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