is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
