as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
