She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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