i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
