you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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