theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This is my gift to your gina
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
