In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize