Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
