just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.