Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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