4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
