We're facebook friends in real life
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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