she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
