Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
