would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
