The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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