I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
