capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
