He disabled his match.com account in front of me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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