They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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